Talk to the animals I like the animals, at least the furry, cute non rodent ones. I live with a cat. We kind of rescued her from our college neighbors who lived in this 24-hour party house with alligators in the bathtub, pig-pickings in the back yard, and a spooky arrangement of goths, frat boys, and hippys all living peacefully together. We had to save her.
She was outside one night by herself, and it was really cold and she was meowing. We came home from some malt liquor infused rock show and as I was walking into the house, I heard her little kitten cries. I spotted her in the bushes and said, "come here kitty". And she did. I don't recall anyone voting on whether to let a cat in the house, but it was too late. She has been with us for the past 10 years entertaining us with her cranky cat antics.
Talk The point is I wish I could talk to her. I wish I could talk to all animals. My fantasy is that after talking with my cat, we could work out the issues we have and all would be well. In reality, I think this would never work. Not that dogs or cats are dumb or anything - but they are dogs and cats, you know. I suspect talking to them would be like talking to a developmentally disabled child or, really, any child.
D1ck When I was a pup my parents had some friends who had a kid that was my same age AND had my same name (except he went with unfortunate nickname of 'Dick'). Something was wrong with him, but I was too young to ever understand what. Mentally disabled of some kind. All I remember was him breaking the crap out of my toys. He would break my toys if we told him not to. He would break them if we told him to break them. There was no reverse psychology happening with this kid. He just broke toys. Mine.
I hated him. I know that's all mean and stuff, but I was a kid, and this asshole was breaking my shit. I hated him so much that my mom finally got a clue and I was taken off his 'playdate' calendar. His mom served Melba Toast as a snack. I still think of that when I someone serves me Melba Toast. And Lorne Doone cookies.
But, I remember him driving me crazy. He wouldn't listen to me. "hey, don't break my new airplane" CRASH "hey, put that down" CRASH "ok, now put my brother down" BONK. CRASH.
Infuriating. I was like one of those control freak little girls when he was around.
Back to animals I somehow imagine talking to animals to be along the same lines...
Me: "Listen, can you not scratch that chair" Cat: "That's my scratching chair" Me: "Right, but you already have two scratching posts. Use those please." Cat: "But, that's my scratching chair" Me: "I understand you like the chair, but I am saying, unless you like to live with the alley cats, don't scratch that chair." Cat: "are you threatening me? Hang on, I gotta go to my scratching chair"
Me: "When we play, would you not totally slice my hands with your claws" Cat: "If you had fur, that wouldn't be a problem" Me: "Right, but I don't. So, just watch the claws." Cat: "You should really have fur" Me: "Well, I don't. And I won't." Cat: "You should really have fur"
Cat poops in box and then runs like a madman from one end of our apartment to the other. Me: "Why are you running?" Cat: "Something just came out of my butt" Me: "Yea, you were in your box, pooping right?" Cat: "Yes, but something just came out of my butt" Me: "That was your own poop" Cat: "Whatever. All I know is that something came out of my butt"
Cat is on table trying to steal food off my plate Me: "Would you stop that" Cat: "But you have food" Me: "Yes, it's MY food" Cat: "But I want it" Me: "No, this is MY food" Cat: "But I want it"
My brother has this lovely brown labrador. Her annoying habit is when she gets in lick mode and just sits there trying to lick you. Her tongue shoots in and out like a snake and she makes this hysterical tongue-in-and-out noise while she is doing it. Mrs. Robot says I can do a good imitation of it, and if you want, call me and I can do it for you over the phone. But it's kind of annoying.
Me: "Stop trying to lick everybody" Dog: "If you get in my way, and I lick you, it's not my fault" Me: "Quiiiiittttt it!" Dog pushes me over onto floor, pins me down, and licks me (happens all the time).
I guess my whole point is that being able to talk to the animals probably wouldn't gain us anything. Frustration. Annoyance. Can you imagine having dogs making snide comments as they walk by you? "Hey two legs" "Smell my butt" "Bitch"
(I imagine Squirrels would be like those 'bacon' dogs on the tv commercials. They would just run around going, "NUTS! GOTTA GET NUTS! I AM SQUIRREL! NUUUUUTS!" Squirrels would refer to themselves in the third person I bet. "Squirrel needs nuts!")
