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The man she loved didn't love her, and she wanted him so badly. Later she would realize that he reenacted the wounds from her father and mother. Today, she was getting in her ancient paid for! ford and heading to his house to have him accompany her for Christmas with her family.
She couldn't fathom why he would do this if he didn't want to be in her life. Later, she would find out that he enjoyed performing roles and had been very bored. For now, she was nervous as always with him, but she loved being with him. Everything was like being on a drug you were addicted to when he was around. She had thought this was what love was - getting all obsessed and then getting the fix.
She was 54, and she was four. It was trippy. It probably sucked to be around, but she didn't know because they never talked about anything besides light stuff. It was her gift to him - to not get heavy. She loved getting heavy and prowling. The day was mid-winter - kind of normal cold. She arrived at his interior townhouse and rang the back doorbell. It didn't seem to work, so she knocked, and he immediately opened the door. Her world lit up. She loved this cartoonish white-haired substantial man.
She was always performing giddy excitement. It probably got old: "hi! - are you sure you want to do this?"
"hello. Oh, let me take my earbuds out. I can't hear you."
She didn't ask him again if he wanted to do this because part of her wanted him to do this whether he wanted to or not.
On the way up, he let her know that he had been married in this part of Georgia. It immediately took on a new tone to her - she tried to see it through her eyes, and of course she got jealous (not remembering that her own first wedding was the party of the year with underwear in the trees at the end). He took her to Tallulah Gorge on the way up. She loved the way he was always up for a good meander.
They arrived in Highlands and checked into their tiny room with no closet, but it was gorgeous and you could tell it all cost a lot of money and was decorated tastefully. It was hard to tell if there was discord or pulling back in him - but she was always looking. Her main focus was on handling him and her scary family all at once. She was going to need a lot of alcohol or self regulation.
After she got tipsy, they started exploring the town. She wished she had brought her fashionable jacket, but she had thought it would be too heavy. They tried a pub. It was early evening. They said hello to the sister and brother-in-law-and neice and her husband at the fancy restaurant. Everything was fine. They played pool. She got drunker. He was always the same.
He was a calm man who almost prided himself on being stoic and unflappable.
She loved him so much.
It was going to end soon because she grabbed him too hard, but for now - she was just trying not to fall.
It was always scary to her, and she turned very primal when she was with her family without her brother to provide Mary Jane. She sat right back into the high chair where everyone fought around her and she had to be very very good to get anything. She was a gorgeous child, and the sister hated her.
Today, the sister was rich as shit. She had married well. Narcissi continued to imbibe more alcohol even though the sister wasn't as scary as the mother. They were all very pleasant people. It was just her little girl (how trite) inside that screamed.
Leon, the suitor, was not thought of that much except all the time. She more needed him as support and was so glad she wasn't the fifth wheel. She prattled on about whatever and family. He just had his resting bitch face on. She always warned people not to take it seriously.
She didn't remember that night, but she only realized it in the morning when she woke up and immediately did a rare burst of feelings on him after he had rejected her touch in bed.
"Why didn't you fuck me? Why don't you touch me? I like you more than you like me. it sucks."
He was putting his shoes on. He snapped at her which was rare, "I can't help it. It's not my fault. I fucked you last night."
Narcissi couldn't even remember. It kind of terrified her to recall she had no recall leaving the fireplace. Later, she realized that it was how she always dealt with seeing her former bully again - her first bully. She got wasted.
She hadn't had a hangover in years, but today she had one. After he brought coffee and she had a temper tantrum because the imbalance had been stated in their love, and he had not refuted it at all - just confirmed he didn't really love her and knew well that she loved him like a tigress.
The next night was worse. He told her he wasn't going to fuck and made a joke of it. The mother and stepfather had arrived. Narcissi had not gotten drunk, but she'd gotten smaller and less herself - the usual. She had hoped he might understand, but she never really told him until later when she was talking to herself in bed after the game was over and he was pretending to be asleep .
"It's just so hard to understand when everyone says they love you and everything is fine on the surface, but you just don't feel their love - it's just words and gestures. You never feel comfortable - you can never relax no matter how drunk."
He just wished she'd shut up.
They never talked about it. He had been a perfect companion. They drove home the next morning and skipped the family brunch.
Christmas happened. She had called herself a placeholder to him, and he was silent on the subject - which was an answer. He came and saw her after she begged, and he was so over it all but - well she didn't know why he'd came. She had hoped it was because he wanted to hang out still. She was pissed and embarrassed that she couldn't be a cool friend with benefit. They weren't even friends really. He probably shared a lot more with his friends.
She sent him a text asking him to be hers only and to let her into his life a little. He ignored her. She sent a story that a banshee had written asking him to see her. He didn't respond except to thank her when the narrator had called him cheap and she tried to correct it. She had told him not to even give her a xmas present, but she had lied of course.
They broke up in a weird way. He just didn't respond, and she ran after him like a junkie chases a dealer. It was all very sad. to her.
It would be two months in three days that she had seen him go out the door and she kissed him goodbye. It had been like daddy except she hadn't grabbed his leg. Later, she learned that she only became insane when the love was enacted - so that's why she hadn't done this in decades. It fucking killed her to be so flawed so embarrassing, but
she
was
alive.
And everything felt so empty
as it does when someone you love
doesn't love you back.
Making biscuits was hard, but she wasn't in the mood to go to the grocery store, and it was all she had.
Making her bed was something she did to not feel
like a savage.
savaged.
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