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"I was trying my best. I wanted to make you proud of me. I wanted to find someone who could love you again. I wanted to help you."
You were so young. You didn't know that he couldn't want that.
"What do you like about me? Is there anything? You're so mad and mean"
It repeated what I asked my own mother when I finally used my voice in my twenties, and it shocked me as much as perhaps it shocked her.
What do I like about you?
"Yes, can you think of anything?"
It's hard to describe. It's taking me a minute.
"Does that mean you don't like anything. I knew it. Fuck you."
She crumpled up into a ball and cried for another twenty years.
"Stop it."
You know what I like about you? it's that you have a heart that saved frogs from death. You care so much and you love to sing. You love to feel safe with people you love and when you really show who you are, it's absolutely like watching sunlight dapple on a lake.
"That's too poetic. What do you like about me. Say it better."
I love how strong you are. Do you realize that you are so forceful and strong. You wanted so much to have him in your life that you kept the door open - you kept wanting to talk to him. It hurt to have someone you loved ignore you. You didn't accept that. You didn't deserve it either.
"That made you mad. I embarrassed you. You said so."
Yes, but I love it about you. You're a part of me that doesn't shut up when people tell you to. You're a part that wants people to love each other - you want to connect with people so much. It's beautiful.
"beauty is so loaded in our world. say it better! I'm getting bored!!!!"
OK. Let me ponder for a moment. The biscuits I made are getting cool, but I'll do this for you. You're very very important.
"I know."
You're fearless when you're protecting people or anything that you love. You don't stop. You will dive into their arms with your warmth and love and seep into them and then you'll smile and you'll look in their eyes and you'll play. You are the most fun person to play with. You have the best imagination. I think you are so creative and fucking fascinating. You think of things no one else on the planet would think. You love to sing. You love to love. You love to paint. You love to play pretend. You are fearless. I have been very mean to you, and I apologize. I hope you can forgive me. You're fucking magic, and I forgot that and I'm sorry.
"OK eat your biscuit. I hope they're good. I know you try really hard too. I love you the best of all."
thank you
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