 |
Teen News: Camping with Barry White
(stolen from David Letterman, circa 1983, in honor of the late Mr. White)
Camping with Barry White can be a sublime experience, or it can be a nightmare. It depends on your attitude and, frankly, on having the proper equipment. We went to Barry himself for his list of indispensible camping utensils, and this is what he recommended...
Barry:
"When you're looking for a sleeping bag, look for three things: it should be round, it should have a mirrored ceiling attachment, and it should have magic-finger massage action. Not surprisingly, the official Barry White model passes all these tests.
When I lounge around the campsite, I do it like I do everything else - in style, but with a respect for the environment (reveals camouflage pantsuit). These satin lounging pajamas in dappled shades of camouflage blend in beautifully with the surrounding underbrush.
For a truly sensual massage, warm oil is a necessity, but in some campsites, firewood can be scarce (reveals hexagonal bin with mirrored inside walls). That's why I developed this solar massage oil warmer. A few minutes of sunlight will bring you hours of sensuous bliss after dark.
You can't go camping without cooking utensils, but there's no law that says they can't be stylish (reveals gold mess kit studded with multi-colored diamonds and a finger-sized ring on the bottom). This solid gold mess-kit ring lets my fingers sparkle and also allows me to fry up fish and small game.
(reveals large gold medallion with huge blue diamond in the center)
This gold medallion is more than a handsome piece of jewelry. It's also an ultraviolet bug lamp that zaps mosquitoes with 600 volts of electricity. You look like a million, and your campsite's free of flying insects.
Whether I'm singing on a concert stage or camping in a remote wilderness, I like to create a special atmosphere (reveals army flashlight, the kind with a beam that shines perpendicular to the flashlight body, plus there's a colorwheel in front of the beam). This custom-designed mood flashlight softly bathes even the darkest forest in the rich colors of love.
Being isolated from society is but one of the many benefits of camping. However, in the interest of safety, it's always a good idea to keep a method of communicating with civilation handy. And what better way to make sure your message is heard loud, clear and sensual than with this walkie-talkie with improved bass respone. Safety is always a smart idea, but now it's also a sexy one..."
...Rest in peace Barry. And I pity anyone who onlys knows of you through Ally McBeal...
