You know it is a deep, personal sacrifice for me to be working on Simcoe Day. Normally, I make this a day of meditative, spiritual reflection. I fast, I pray, I play lacrosse, I iron my provincial flag and fill vases with trilliums.
But it is really for the love of my country that I am at work on this statutory holiday of religious and historical significance. After all, those vacationing in cottage country need their online news, and who, but I or a small army of monkeys, could perform this task for them?

John Graves Simcoe, aristocrat, founder of Ontario, Loyalist to the Queen, enemy to France, and reknowned "fathead": I imagine you in your canoe, hovering above Upper Canada, your dog Jack Sharp at your side and a mug of mead in your hand, commanding with a plummy voice befitting the first Lieutenant-Governor:
"On this day, all ye God-fearing wokers at our nation's public broadcaster shall receive Time and a Half for your toils."

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