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Pony: Dear Sienna Miller
8.10.2005
Last month your fiancé, Jude Law, confessed he had shtupped the nanny and issued a public apology. Brutal!
I read the Daisy Wright's "tingly" confessional, and I have to admit, I imagined myself in her place. I mean who wouldn't want to exploit your troll of a fiancé for a nice chunk of cash? I could have paid off my student loan with what she probably got from the Sunday Mirror.
But then I saw her picture. WTF? If he is going to cheat with squinty plain Janes with no discernible waistlines, he obviously will hump anything in his vicinity. I mean, even his bitter ex, that Frost woman (Kate Moss' BFF) upstaged you with that classic quip: "It's not my nightmare anymore." (read: he cheated on her, too.)
Just when the tabloids were going on about you not wearing your engagement ring, I was sideswiped with: "Sienna Miller Pregnant" headlines. Again: WTF? According to "sources" you and the Jude told the family you were six weeks pregnant. Two days later, the nanny story broke. Awkward!
Will you leave no tragic cliché unturned? Now the tabloids say you are getting back together and that Jude is gonna deal with his "cheataholic" ways.
Girl, if I hadn't been mocked by skinny blonde girls in high school and developed an abiding prejudice for your kind, you would be breaking my heart, here. Ok, maybe you are, just a little bit.
Prejudice aside, let me give you a little brunette-blonde advice: DON'T TAKE HIM BACK! Enjoy the public sympathy, and keep on pouting beautifully for the camera. Half the women out there want to stuff him in a golf bag and dump him in a contaminated water source. When the dust settles everyone is going to figure out that he is a cheater in a hairpiece who can't act. Stout heart!
