Pony: A List of Tortures
11.17.2007

G. crawled into his room from the hallway as I was folding laundry. Silence. What was he doing in there? I rush in, fully expecting to dislodge a wad of kleenex from his mouth, but no: He was lying on his stomach in front of the stereo like a teenager, kicking his legs to the beat. Oh my.

Gabriel is getting more sophisticated every day. He looks at me like we are in on this big joke together. He has also got this growing list of tortures he likes to inflict on me and Kiff, and I rue the day that the Geneva Convention became obsolete, because we would totally deserve refugee status for what we endure every day.

I may have already mentioned "no sleep", "Is this a wig?", "pinchy", "scratchy" and "bite the boob that feeds you". But these days his methods have gotten more sophisticated.

1) Hanky: Go in for a hug right after you have gotten changed, then wipe the snot or food residue on your shoulder.

2) Drooly Puppy Kisses: Very serious expression. Open mouth. Big Kiss that turns into a bite.
2a) Bitey: A sudden and totally unexpectedly strong tooth-sinking, usually into the shoulder.

3) Morning Poop Alarm: Every morning I bring G. into bed to have a snack as I try and snooze a bit more. These days this happens at 5:30am. He likes to roll over and push his stinky diaper at your head, just for fun.

4) Mind change: Pick me up. Wait, no, I want to be down. Why did you put me down? I want you to hold me. Oh Look! I need to be down to look at that thing.

5) Fetch: Give that to me. Now I will drop it. Pick it up! Pick it up! Now I will drop it. (Repeat until you realise you never fancied the idea of being Golden retriever).

6) Dentist: I want to see your teeth. I am going to stick my filthy hand into your mouth to investigate your bottom teeth and see if they are attached. Now I will pinch your lip and pull your nostril.

Last night Kiff and I went out on a date. It was so lovely! Rebecca babysat for us and we totally managed to spend the night speaking only 20 per cent of the the time about G.

After our tasting tray of Tequila at Reposado (that included Don Julio 1942. Wow.), we were filled with such a sense of well-being and gratitude for everything, especially our deviously wonderful little guy. So hooray for dates. And delicious tequila.

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