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poop beetle: AAA and Chivalry
7.2005
A list of things that I love, pure and simple- am happy every time I think of them, am moved to consider how it is that they make the world a better place (effortless, low-drama, no negative side-effects or trade-offs) would include Triple A.
"This American Life" and humus are two more that would make the list- after these, I'd have to give it some thought.
"No reason. Just is," things fascinate me. "Pointless good" seems like an odd idea, but as I've become increasingly obsessed, distracted, even over-wrought re: "pointless evil", I've begun to notice the other side of the equation.
I'd be curious to know if other people get hung up on "the point" of things. It's not something that comes up in conversation too often, but on two different occasions last week when trying to describe a situation where I referenced this idea, I was told by the people I was speaking to "I don't know what you're talking about".
So, I've been thinking about this subject a lot lately and realizing there's an expectation, a Thing in me that gets irate/insane over people, institutions, whatever can or does go about the business of delivering goods/services/information . . . when they do or say things that to my mind works counter to "the point".
In my little world, "the point" can consist of a couple of different things.
(1) Something that "boings" against the value structures under development in my head. This stuff is never my very own. All of it has been informed by the value structures of others who I have or still do trust and believe in. There's a mix to it and a number of ideas that seem to contradict each other. There're the contradictions I've made peace with and then there's some other stuff that's brewing. I know it's there and will say right up front about it: I don't know. The jury's still out. It's tricky and all.
Points that reference the brew, I tend to absorb and add to the mix. They don't make me mad, just curious.
Points that can get me riled up most often scrape up against belief systems I used to have, or if I didn't totally accept, still spent a number of years "in the mix" before I'd collected enough evidence and experience to disqualify them.
It's the sense of being "tricked" that upsets me about these points. I can also get upset at the idea that those who continue to express belief in these things I used to believe might at this very moment be "tricked". (It happened to me, so I know how people can think/believe things that aren't true. It's easy as pie. )
I get real mad at "dis-information". I get a little depressed, too- because I don't have it in me to explain without getting screechy and hysterical.
(2) Another type of "screwing with the point" that can get to me, is when people/institutions- whoever, do/say anything that contradicts their own value structure. This especially gets to me when I disagree with their stated priorities/beliefs in the first place. It's kind of like- ok, I completely think you're wrong about this whole thing. But I am listening to why you think you're right. I'm seeing your outlook on the right and wrong and how you prioritize and all- but LOOK! Wait a gd minute! You've just totally, totally done something that flat out goes against those values! And you act as if there's nothing wrong with this? You don't take a minute to pause, acknowledge this fact? You act like, "oh, sure- this is what I meant, all along.". . . ?
Arrugggggg! I can't believe I spent so much freakin' brain power thinking you were seriously convinced of your own righteousness!
Pointless evil seems worse to me then bad belief system evil- which is why I hate certain types of alien movies or movies about death at the top of Mt. Everest, any kind of story where the bad guy is something that doesn't have emotions or the capacity to form a belief system.
Mindless, emotionless destruction seems so boring and hopeless and depressing.
I don't think everything in the world has to have a point. I'm not that far gone. But I might be a bit more hung up on it then most and I'm trying to work out whether or not it would be healthier to begin to actively extract myself from this mind habit.
I wonder, especially what to teach my kids. I don't know if I want them to think this way (the way I think) or not. I find myself kind of dragging my feet over teaching them some of the ideas I was taught as a kid- the ideas/value set that you're supposed to teach children - the crap that never happens or works in real life, but for some reason we can't bring ourselves to tell kids. We offer up the company line and then hope they somehow figure out how to survive- as well as learn to become good people AND happy people- within the system.
Go Chivalry!
I wanted to talk about this. I'm the mother of two sons and if they learn this idea, it's going to come from me.
IF I wanted to teach them this idea . . . . And I kind of do, although I wonder how good it would be for them.
This is an idea/value system that I can't totally justify with run of the mill point counter point logic. It is simply something I like. It's an aesthetically pleasing, gut-level value system.
It's the reason we, as a society think there's something especially nasty about killing women and children in battle.
In real life, if you want to f*ck up your enemy, make the war shorter, less costly all around, those are the folks you go for. Not to mention the fact that child soldiers have proven to be a clever, efficient resource all over the world (they don't demand wages, they don't understand/fear death like adults, they mess with adult soldiers by putting them in the position of possibly breaking hard-core internalized social taboos- which they've already had to do by being in battle anyhow- but now here's an even more intense one- kill a kid or be killed; kill a kid or be responsible for the deaths of your fellow soldiers).
And women, whether they're fighting or not, tend to represent the comfort/structured "home" of society that men soldiers fight for. You take them out and what's to fight for?
This is an extreme example and not the one that comes to mind when I think about teaching my boys to be chivalrous.
I think chivalry = "generous"- but again along the lines of aesthetics. . . . cheap/stingy and fearful is unpleasant and ugly. It also smacks of poverty, lack of power and control.
(Think "Schindler's List" when the Liam Neeson character pointed out to the Ralph Fiennes character how much more powerful it was to "pardon"/ "forgive" rather than slaughter? And the guy responded to this idea because all he wanted to do, more than anything was appear strong and masterful?)
But at the same time, what if they're not powerful and in control? What if they don't have a pot to piss in? Do they give up the pot they don't even have? Do I teach them that everyone else's needs come before they're own?
That's kind of hard to imagine, because I think of my kids as owning the world. I think of them already of being flat out strong and able and capable. I think of their pains and struggles coming from doubt about what is best, wondering about what they should do.
I was raised with these thoughts (middle class ideals) and no matter where we stand financially- I imagine these children of mine to work this same field (way beyond "survival" - it's all about "what's best" regarding all these choices).
Slightly off the subject- today I looked out the back window and noticed the back tire of my car was flat. It was raining like crazy. I have to be at work at 6:30am tomorrow. I remembered my sweet, sweet triple A membership.
I found a shop open on Sundays that would patch a tire. I knew I had a spare screwed up to the bottom of my van. My triple A contact said someone would be out in 45 minutes or less to either put on the spare or tow me to a place where the tire could be fixed.
They do not repair tires or provide new tires themselves. I relished the fact this problem was something I could deal with - AAA + Sears tire center which is open on Sundays. It means a lot to me to not have to panic and go boo-hooing, helpless single mother to friends and relatives.
My approved Triple A contact showed up and happened to be David, who'd helped me one time before when my car would not start. He'd showed me some tricky little deal that was specific to my make and model of car- taking a handful of wires sitting next to the battery and whacking them against the frame, as opposed to just doing what he was supposed to do which was tow my car to an auto mechanic shop to be "fixed".
Today David patched my tire. What he was supposed to do was wrench my spare off and replace it. Instead he took out the nail and reinflated the tire and patched the hole.
I watched him doing his thing. In the past I was afraid of making mechanic people feel nervous and spied on, so I would have more than likely waited in the house. These days I realize it's helpful to know what 'n the hell goes on with cars and such- so I watched.
I could see that he wasn't changing the tire. I thought he was doing a temporary patch to get me where I needed to go. When I finally asked him, "so you've patched it and now I take it to Sears for repair?" this gave him the opportunity to announce- "nope, no need. It's fixed and better than Sears".
First he said it was because I had pretty eyes. Then he said it was what he did for woman and old people (but if it's an able bodied man, he wouldn't).
I mentioned that my sister knew how to change a tire, and I probably should know how too.
He said his own sister knew how to, he'd taught her himself because he wasn't going to do it himself (and he laughed- that laugh we all laugh when we're pleased with our own honest evil).
I said, "You wouldn't believe the time and heartbreak you've just saved me, thank you- please take this $20."
He did and I am glad.
He said most of the guys he works with wouldn't do this- and I believe him. And he mentioned how he opens the car door for his girlfriend all the time, which was his way of telling me, "I'm not trying to pick you up." - and I appreciated that, too.
Maybe those other guys wouldn't have done it because they have a very specific, definite job they're supposed to do- but I also think that single women and old folks present a kind of "demand" that makes people feel tired and resentful.
I think of this as "empathy exhaust"- a way of reacting to various demographics of people that one feels society demands them to be especially considerate of- because they are more vulnerable, but as a result this makes folks feel pressured and resentful towards and not want to help.
I think guys should have their tires patched too. I'm telling you for a fact, the tire patching was much easier for David then the removing the spare tire and putting it on would have been.
I'm fairly convinced men do get their tires patched, even when the agreement was for "tire change" only. I think most people like to show how smart and capable they are when they're not worried about being taken advantage of.
My spare tire was attached with rusty, encrusted, knuckle bashing attachment peices. It would have taken a mightily intense belief in not treating women special to have gotten a Triple A agent to have spent his time doing only what he was required to do.
But, I'm pretty darn sure- that's exactly what most would have done.
Or he would have sighed and moaned for a while before giving up.
I hate that this is so. I'm sorry this is the way. I can see why/how this happens.
Good ole David he's a brave guy- he put his behind on the line to make life easier for me (and himself).
I wouldn't mind if my boys were like him- except for the tatoos and all.
