$23,000
January 2007
The prostitutes and I were tired of the cold and so in a moment of generosity I suggested we go to Orlando for a week. The prostitutes thought it was a great idea and so I went and rented a van for the drive down (one of the prostitutes is really scared of flying). We split the trip over three days and needless to say that two nights of motel rooms (they all want their own room), meals, chintzy roadside souvenirs, and gas adds up to a nice chunk of change.
Once in Orlando, we all checked in to the Disney Polynesian Resort. Now, I won’t give you a line by line list of expenses, but anyone who has taken a family to Disney knows how exspensive everything is. And I wasn’t paying for a family of four – but for a gaggle of prostitutes.
Hotels. Room service. Bar tabs. Mickey Mouse paraphernalia. Meals (so many meals).
We did have a good time and I think I convinced the prostitutes that the Haunted House ride was still the best one at Disney.
$4,000
March 2007
I am a sucker for shoe shopping and when we found ourselves at Designer Shoe Warehouse I ended up buying lot of shoes for the prostitutes. I bought a pair of snazzy black slip-on types for myself. And some socks (brown and somewhat fuzzy)
$12,000
June 2007
My parents have this idiot lawn guy who shows up sporadically (usually when his pan flute husking downtown isn’t paying) and hence their yard always looks like the yard of someone who cares more about pan flute playing than basic yard care. You might be asking yourself, “why don’t they just fire the pan flute yard boy?!”
When I broached that subject, they told me that he has a corner on the neighborhood and if you don’t use him, he will just blow all the grass cuttings from your neighbors yard in to your yard.
It’s all very stupid.
I was visiting the parents during a long weekend and was just flabbergasted as to the condition of their yard. I called my brother to see if he was available to come help do some yard work, but he was stuck going to some toddler birthday party.
Who could I call?
Prostititutes!
I grabbed my phone and hit speed dial #5 (sorry Matt – you got bumped from that spot) and asked them if they might want to come visit my parents and help out with some yard work. They jumped at the chance, so I quickly booked flights for them.
“Wait.”, I hear you saying, “Don’t prostitutes hate to fly? Much like Mr. T?”
Only one prostitute hates to fly and this weekend she was suffering from a bout of hay fever so she didn’t need to be messing around with yard work.
Mom & Dad were wary about the influx of prostitutes in to their home.
“How will we feed them all? And where will they all sleep?”
I reassured them that I’d take care of everything and bought tons of groceries for meals and put the prostitutes up at a local hotel. Other costs included repairs for the lawn mower, a very pricey trip to the hardware store to buy various tools, and an afternoon at the local nursery picking out some new plants.
All in all it was money well spent and the parents are very happy with their handsome yard.
$35,000
August 2007
Beach trip!
I rented a fairly large condo for our annual beach trip since the prostitutes were coming along and we had stretched the trip from one week to two. It was a grand time and many lazy hours were spent on the beach sipping beers and watching the surf.
The prostitutes were a big hit with my nephew and niece – and probably a bigger hit when they babysat the kids for a few nights so their parents could go out.
As far as cost, the condo was the big chunk. Honestly, I spent too much. Then, food and transportation. The other costs were negligible (sunscreen… sun hats.. mini golf).
$6,000
December 2007
I resolved to not spend crazy money on people during the holidays and was proud to say that I stayed fairly true to my plan. All the prostitutes received locally handmade sweaters that were just lovely.
I also gave each of them a tree ornament (the ones I make from the pipe cleaners).
$8,000
February 2008
The prostitutes saw my new iPhone and basically went coo-coo and all wanted one. Money is tight these days, but I knew that they wouldn’t stop harassing me until they all had one. We all met at the Apple store and I bought them all iPhones and let them pick out a snazzy case to go with it. I also paid for the set-up fees and everything else to get them started – but they are responsible for the bills.
Oh, and I bought them all one ringtone.
And one movie from iTunes.
