Sucker Credit Card Man. Is there anything lower than credit card companies? Roaches? Stool? Roach stool? Piles of cut poodle hair at a dog show?
What chumps.
American Non-Express The other night I go to pay my bill. It's not an old school Amex, but one of those Amex Blue cards that they plied us with in the late 90's. (Remember how those cards were supposed to do something? Like they had a chip in them that would alert you when you needed a haircut or to call your mom? Vaporware!)
I had a balance on it. For some reason, and I forget the particulars but let's assume that some checks from crack sales hadn't gone through, I went online and paid only part of it.
The next day after checking my bank account online (you'd think the order would be reversed) I realized that I actually had the money in the checking account to pay off the whole balance.
24 hours later I go back to the Amex site to wipe out the balance and they give me this whole "We can only process one payment transaction per 24 hour time period thing".
American Express. Huge ass credit card company. Global. Moves billions of dollars daily. Huge internet banking site.
Can only process one transaction a day.
Imagine Amazon doing that. "While we appreciate your order this morning, we can only process one order per customer per day. Please try back tomorrow."
You know that if I wanted to sign-up for some chump-ass credit card insurance policy and some chump-ass credit card security protection and finally some chump-ass electronic bill pay slash credit report report... those suckers could somehow find a way to make three transactions in one day.
New Debit Card! I got a new one, and it's got some sort of swipe/wave/EZ-Pass feature on it. I can just wave the card at a gas pump and it can get the info. Like EZ-Pass or those key cards we all use at work. Scary! Yet fun! If you read that article linked above, scary outweighs fun.
I imagine myself running through stores, grabbing clothes and waving my debit card in the air as the magic machine rings me up. It will be grand.
So, I had to activate it. I love this. In my experience, you get two options...
1. The recorded robot voice. This one is probably the best of the two, but it's sales pitch is so painfully corny/annoying/obvious. I dial the number... "Thanks for calling Huge Ass Bank. If you want to activate your new card, please enter the 16-digit number... now." Beep beep boop beep beep beep beep beep beep beep boop beep beep boop beep beep
"As a service to our customers, Huge Ass Bank now offers credit reports. Instantly get a copy of your current credit report to make sure that there is blah blah blah keep your family safe blah blah." "Press one to get this great feature, free to you for three months. Otherwise press two." Beep (that's a two)
"Thank you. There is still chance to get this incredibly foxy credit report offer that will make you attractive to the opposite sex - or, to the same sex - it's entirely up to you! This great credit report report, offered by Trans-Reports-Media-Reports LLC, is an exclusive offer to our Huge Ass customers. It's a really great report. If you'd like to try it, because maybe you were to rash in mashing the two button, please mash one now." "Otherwise, if you don't care about the safety of your family, press two now."
Beep.
Like an hour later my card is activated.
2. An actual person activating the card This is the annoying, frustrating, and sad option. The last time this happened to me was right before we were leaving for a trip. I forget the details (let's assume it had something to do with travel crack) but I called the folks and tried to activate my card. At first it went fine. Beep beep beep. "The final step in activating you card will be completed by a Huge Ass Bank customer service person. Please hold."
I held. The woman came on line and verified all my information and then launched into a spiel about credit reports or loans or balance transfers. The whole sales pitch. I answered, "no thanks" over and over again, but she was wilily and kept pitching to the point where I just said, "Is my damn card activated yet?" She said it was. I hung up.
Then there was the time I called Verizon because we used to have all this stuff on our landline... voicemail. Call Waiting. Call Forwarding. Monkey dial tone. I was canceling all this crap and the customer service rep was dutifully writing it all down. When it was all over, she then tried to sell me more stuff - including call waiting, which I had just canceled. You could hear her searching her page of phone features trying to find one she could stick me with. "How about Vacation Auto Answer service in Spanish?" It was great.
