My morning as the State of the Union Address

Madam Speaker, Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens: The rite of custom brings us together at a defining hour -- when decisions are hard and courage is needed.
This defining hour is 6am and our enemies want us to press the snooze button. We must have the will to face difficult challenges of getting out of bed and determined snooze-button pushing enemies -- and the wisdom to face them together. And with that wisdom and reminder of an early meeting, we give Americans everywhere the opportunity to get up in the morning.

Americans who are given this opportunity need to also not kick the cat. The American people don't hate the cat - they just can't see the cat when she sits in the middle of the dark carpet. Not only that, she is dark grey. It's inevitable that she will be stumbled upon at 6am when it's still dark. But we must get congress to approve these tax breaks for purchases of little tiny cat lights so that the American people don't kick the cat!
Standing ovation (only the left side)

A future of hope and opportunity requires that all our citizens have access to hot water for their showers. Not only that, we need big, soft towels for all Americans regardless of race or religion.

No big, soft towel should be left behind!

But, we have to respect these services. When we get a haircut, we must clean out the stray hairs from around the drain - if we don't the American people will have to call the super to clean it out and before he comes we'll have to suffer through showers standing in pools of soapy water that will very slowly drain.
We must clean the hair out of this drain - and we must do it now.

The terrorist know that our drain fills up with hair very quickly and we have intercepted plans in the past where terrorist operatives take long showers and shave their long beards in the shower and not use the little plastic drain hair-catcher device.
We'll show these terrorist killers that we are united in the goal of victory - victory over our clogged drains.
Standing ovation

The greatest strength we have is the heroic kindness, courage, and self-sacrifice of the American people. You see this spirit often if you know where to look -- and today we need only look above to the bedroom.

Mrs. Robot, peacefully asleep, will groan and mumble when the American people come in and turn the light on in order to get dressed. But she knows that if the American people get dressed in the dark that the American people could easily end up looking like a dork. So, she bravely rolls over and pulls the blanket over her head as we try to match a shirt and tie to these odd brown trousers. She has earned the respect and the gratitude of our entire country for her sleeping sacrifices - and we honor her tonight.
Standing ovation

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